If I can survive this last week I have here in the states, I'll be in pretty decent shape, because honestly, it causing me to want to kill myself. The idea is very tempting, but I guess I have to remember that if I can hold out for five more days, this shit will be over. I just feel completely powerless to my surroundings. This has a lot less to do with my moving than it does with the fact that I'm staying with my family right now. It nearly drove me to commit suicide as a child, and it's doing the same thing again. (I guess if I've changed in any way, it's that I no longer make half-hearted suicide attempts. If I were going to do it, I would overshoot the possibility of death by a long shot.) Maybe it's a combination of both. I mean, there is stress coming in from all directions, and much of it, I have no immediate control over, and for some retarded reason, the shit that I do have control over, I seem to be doing nothing about. I just have a lot to worry about, and worrying seems to be all I'm doing about it. I'm slightly questioning my decision to quit taking my antidepressants, which I did like three or four months ago, shortly after finishing school (by the way, I credit them for my ability to even finish school), but I didn't want to be dependent on something which I stood a chance of being unable to obtain in China at an affordable price, if at all. The depressing, and realistic, voice in my head is telling me that I am going to be no better off once I'm there. I have no idea what my life will be like when I'm there, but that voice is probably right. If I think shit is bad now... this place will probably seem like heaven, retrospectively, once I'm there. In all honesty, I will probably experience the same ups and downs that reality tends to dish at you, and I think a person's location on this planet probably has very little to do with that. It just happens.