The big day is finally here

This blog post is coming a day early, and I'm writing it from the airport in Seattle. I'm waiting for my plane to China, it's in an hour and 15 minutes. I'm to exhausted to be anxious, which is a really amazing thing when you think about it. I had a series of mishaps here in Seattle today, which have worked themselves out now, and in the grand scheme of things, probably appear minuscule, but at the time, could easily have registered as the most difficult and stressful situation I have ever faced in my life. First, I thought I had to go to baggage claim here in Seattle because I was to change airlines from United to Hainan, and I was mislead by my dad, but it's my fault for not doing my own research, plus he was only trying to be helpful (pardon the run-on sentence). After learning that I was to go to the Hainan Airlines' ticket counter, it was probably a walk of about half a mile. That, with guitar in hand, and a backpack on my back, borders excruciating. When I got to the ticket counter, I was told that I had to check my guitar, and that I had no choice but to pay $110 to do so. So I cried. Thankfully, for once, crying got me somewhere. The ticket counter lady bumped it down to $80. I took it. The woman asked for my baggage claim ticket, at which point I realized...I lost it--yay! So I had to walk another half mile down to United's ticked counter, where I stood, still crying, for like half an hour, waiting, and finally got that. Then I walked the half mile back to Hainan's ticket counter. Well, I finally got my ticket and everything, and for $80, at least I didn't have to lug the guitar through yet another airport, freeing up my fingers for other things, like posting this blog for example. Also, I am grateful for this four hour layover, as I may not have survived anything less. I feel like when this is all over, it will wipe itself from my memory like a bad dream, so long as, I hope, the rewards are worth the sacrifices. And like a bad dream, I can't wait for this airport shit to all be over.

If I can survive this last week I have here in the states, I'll be in pretty decent shape, because honestly, it causing me to want to kill myself. The idea is very tempting, but I guess I have to remember that if I can hold out for five more days, this shit will be over. I just feel completely powerless to my surroundings. This has a lot less to do with my moving than it does with the fact that I'm staying with my family right now. It nearly drove me to commit suicide as a child, and it's doing the same thing again. (I guess if I've changed in any way, it's that I no longer make half-hearted suicide attempts. If I were going to do it, I would overshoot the possibility of death by a long shot.) Maybe it's a combination of both. I mean, there is stress coming in from all directions, and much of it, I have no immediate control over, and for some retarded reason, the shit that I do have control over, I seem to be doing nothing about. I just have a lot to worry about, and worrying seems to be all I'm doing about it. I'm slightly questioning my decision to quit taking my antidepressants, which I did like three or four months ago, shortly after finishing school (by the way, I credit them for my ability to even finish school), but I didn't want to be dependent on something which I stood a chance of being unable to obtain in China at an affordable price, if at all. The depressing, and realistic, voice in my head is telling me that I am going to be no better off once I'm there. I have no idea what my life will be like when I'm there, but that voice is probably right. If I think shit is bad now... this place will probably seem like heaven, retrospectively, once I'm there. In all honesty, I will probably experience the same ups and downs that reality tends to dish at you, and I think a person's location on this planet probably has very little to do with that. It just happens.

My anxiety is still kind of high, though for some reason it's actually subsided a little since last week. I still feel like I'm a little behind schedule as far as the moving process is concerned, because I have not gotten done as much as I planned on this past week. However, I think I can count on having the old place cleared out completely a week from now. Considering the fact that I still have a week and six days, that is not too daunting of a task, but while considering that that is where I wanted to be by now, it's a little disappointing. Part of the problem is that I'm dependent on my dad to bring his truck to take out all the large pieces of furniture, so that aspect is out of my control for the most part. Still, the parts that are in my control: all the cleaning and packing and loading and taking to my parents house of the small stuff--I was hoping would be done by now. I expect will take another few days of work to finish. I don't know why my anxiety has reduced though, considering that I'm roughly three days behind schedule. I think it's the fact that the task is seeming more and more manageable.

On another note, I bought RMB5000 this week. I doubt that will be enough to get me through the two months it will take me to get my first pay check, but if it can get me through most of that time, I may be able to mooch and borrow my way to my first paycheck. This prospect scares me, but what else should I expect of myself, or should anyone else expect of me. I just finished school a few months ago, but I wish I would have been able to procure a second job over the summer. I don't know why I didn't just consider working in food services again. If that field is good for anything, it's a pretty decent way of making some extra money. And also, it tends to have a higher turn around rate than some sort of desk job, which is the kind of thing I sought. If anything, I should just be grateful that I'm not in debt, though I have my dad to thank for that.

Planning For My "Big Advanture"

I know there are a few good blogs out there done by expatriate Americans (or other westerners) living in China, but there are not enough to read them all and never run out of material. I feel that in my preparations, I have scoured the Internet for all the first-hand information on this subject I could find, and yet, there appears to be a finite amount of it. That's not bad, because most of it is good material. My hope in doing all this, is that others will be able to benefit from my experience, and (my attempt at) an objective report of it. My hope is to post at least one blog a week reporting my experience, and progress.

So before I start, let me fill you in on a little back story. When I was nearing completion of my bachelors degree (in psychology), I was feeling anxious about finding work, particularly relevant to my degree, and at the very least, relevant to my having a degree at all. I have had a few friends who had taken jobs at some point teaching ESL in other countries, and one thing that I knew was that it was a job relevant to the having of a collage degree. And with the state that the American economy at the time, all signs pointed to teaching ESL (English as a second language). I asked my friends where they got their jobs, and both my friend Abby, who taught in Japan, and my friend Stephan, who taught in the Ukraine, recommended Dave's ESL Cafe. I went to check it out and began applying for jobs in various countries, and researching the idea of teaching ESL. My research led me to believe that my odds of finding work in China would be higher than most other countries because of the higher demand, due to in part by the high population, but also due to the fact that they are required to learn English in school. I applied for jobs in Thailand, South Korea, and China. My hunch turned out to be accurate, because, of the three companies I applied with in China, two asked me for an interview, while none of the companies in the other two countries did. I was offered a job with Expertise Education (the other prospective company was Edcomasia), and took it.

This was about three or four months ago, and I was still in school. In the mean time, I have graduated, gotten my tickets, visa, luggage, stockpile of tampons for a year (I was told they are hard to find, and if there's one thing I won't compromise on...) and other necessities, meanwhile continuing to work for the same company I worked for for about the last year or so that I was in college (part time). They could not afford to hire me on full time for the summer, but I am okay with that, knowing what lies ahead for me. Now with less than three weeks until I leave, my anxiety, and apprehension, fear, and excitement are through the roof. I'm busy packing, moving my stuff to my parents house for storage, and trying to figure out what to take and what to leave behind. This is probably one of the most anxiety provoking experiences of all because it's so hard to decide.

As far as this blog is concerned, I really hope to just tell it like it is to the best of my ability. I want to write what I would have liked to have known before hand as much as possible. I want to give you an honest look at my life and my interests, and various endeavors. I feel like I am about to embark on the most difficult thing I have ever chosen to do.